SHARDS OF MY MASQUERADE

"I am a lover of words and tragically beautiful things, poor timing and longing, and all things with soul and I wonder if that means I am entirely broken or if those are the things that have been keeping me whole. Nicole Lyons"

It has been a while since I posted here, for a whole year I’ve been submerged trying to find myself, school work became hectic, hustling in Nairobi is real and my tired self could not just keep up. But am here now!! Enjoy the first and last of my 2017 diary.

First things First it’s been quite an interesting year. My classmates got engaged some got married others started their families whoa!! It’s been a Black Friday of families, and for a moment I questioned my age and what exactly is on my priority list. My findings… well I was satisfied am on the right track, my dreams are building up. Me and the girls cleared campus and graduated, Kim is graduating next year though but we are still having fun and weighing our options in matters men related.

I did a lot of CSRs without posting anywhere on social media #ServiceToHumanity, went for camping in machakos, disappeared home for three days like Jesus, planned a road trip and it failed, weaved my dreads, brought all my families together, I confessed, on my birthday night I was so tired and slept, Christmas night too was very quiet and peaceful as I kept warm in my duvet, and my 31^st plans rotate around a date with my bed too. Lol symptoms za kuzeeka I must admit.  

I make my resolutions every year on my birthday and in 2016. I must have confessed doom over my year, ‘On my birthday, I am going to be my own best friend, eat too much cake, give bad advice, and party until dawn! Here is to another year of terrible decisions and reckless abandon! It’s time to party because I’m superfly. Cheers to a brand new year full of laughter, love and new friendships to someone awesome, talented, beautiful, and funny Yes, that’s right, it’s my birthday. Cheers to myself for surviving another year May I have many more wonderful, crazy years ahead of me.’

True to my declaration 2017 I ate a lot of cakes, wedding cakes, graduation cakes, baby shower cakes, birthday cakes, just cakes without any specific occasion, I gave very bad advice I look back and wish I kept quiet instead, I partied and black out 99% of the times I went out, I lost my job with no compensation for the period I worked and to top it all made very reckless and terrible decisions. It was a crazy year I say!!

The year that was I’ve been a liar, I’ve been a thief, I’ve been a lover, I’ve been a cheat all in all I lost myself, I became someone I’ve always loathed and for the first time I did not get what I want, I became desperate for attention, for love, for support, I was at some breaking point. I wanted and went for things that were toxic to me, bad relationships, bad attitude I lost my friends some fake and the real ones too I pleased too much, I was unable to break off an unhealthy relationship I was drained.

Plastics smiles and denial served me for a while during the year, I contemplated on calling out for help but am more of a loner, I know am tough and I don’t like sharing my problems, I like it when everyone knows am Ok but then when the illusion of my fake façade shaded off I became a totally different person; irritable, unpleasant to hang around with, moody and my girls had to bear with it all… the different me. My constant smile evaded and I would frown instead, I was more of a gazer, stare into space in deep thoughts and I became the party pooper.

Reflecting on my year, it’s been a total mess but all in all GOD’s grace has been sufficient. Trouble began the day I confessed doom in form of a birthday wish and in 2018 I choose to pray for GOD’s perfect will, my choices ruined me, my words cuffed me.

Am sorry girls and to everyone else who has had to Bear with me in 2017.