Narcissist Magnet

“Avoiding certain people to protect your mental and emotional health is not weakness, its wisdom.”  ~ Unknown

Today is one of those days I am in a #FINYO mode.

Wassup Diary gang.... it’s been a long 2 years. Growing up is a trap I must say, settling is quite hectic and I have been busy dating, being a “step mum”, getting my body back to shape and above all drinking water and trying to mind my own business.

I have always been a storyteller, but my preferences are a practical session where I include demonstrations and facial expressions. I consider my short stay on earth a comical, dramatic fiction of a Human Story. I bet 99% of people who listen to me think I live in some fantasized nonexistence world. In my head I thought I would move out of home at 21, get married at 24, have fun with my husband and if I change my mind about motherhood get my baby at 26. Hehe meaning, I ought to be celebrating my first wedding anniversary in 2020. 

I’ve always shyed from my background, people like us are considered complicated. I have 2 dads, 2 mothers, several siblings and I have never considered any of them less my blood. The thing is I grew up in a blended family, then my mum passed on 17 years ago a month or so after I had turned 8 ( Yes I know I have mentioned this over and over in my blogs and stories). I grew up with my dad and his family, before my dad was granted custody of me at 16 and I moved in with my dad and his family (I said I have 2 dads), and I have always received overwhelming attention and everything at request.  I did not realize the impact my complicated family would have on me until I grew up and realized If I was to be married at 24, I had to be tangled early enough.

 I met my 1st when I was 17 just turning 18 and fresh in campus, I would say at that time I experienced love in its purest form, I don’t really recall why we ever called it quits with this one but stuff happened and later on in life we remained friends I have lots of nice stuff to say while it lasted. The next guy I met created the ‘Jiheshimu nani mentality’ for three years, I was the cheerleader girlfriend (also referred to as mama or wife) who never missed a game (home & away), gossip mate, confident, say it all and everything that made me believe I had a soulmate. The problem was the soulmate had another soulmate and playing second fiddle was a bargain I sought of settled for. The first time I realized he was going to be a father with someone else, my world crumbling down would be an understatement. My soulmate who knew my entire world used every bit of it to ‘keep me’. He would remind me I have no right not to be uncomfortable with his unborn baby because I was equally not brought up by my parents, he also said my priority was not to have babies at that time and he wanted to be a father. For another one year I was blackmailed to be a ‘step mum’ and show love to the amazing angel who was not my own.

They say you think you are smart until you fall in love. My dad is also polygamous, so he kept saying he loves us both and will marry us both lol! (yes, in this era somehow, I was convinced and bought the polygamous ideology). We were all broke, straight from campus, if I knew then what I know now, I wonder how that polygamy arrangement would have worked out.  It took some awakening and say ‘prayers’ from those close for me to realize this is not the life I wanted for me. Let’s say it ended in premium tears and I had to heal for myself. For 1.5 years I rededicated my lifestyle to living right with my maker and learning a lot of selflove. 

Late last year I was somehow convinced to rethink my dating stand. Unsure of what to expect I put myself out there with a thick skin and zero tolerance to mediocre and no sooner had it stated than it ended. Never kept a word, never showed up, never pursued and every concern meant I was tripping or turned into an argument. Maybe just how my upbringing was structured, I needed some authentic love to get over it. It hit deep when he said he grew up in a family full of love and I am not going to be the woman who will make his life unbearable because of arguments. With my different upbringing: my dad was never there, busy making money but when around he compensated with gifts, outings, holidays and spending every free time with us, probably that is where I got my love language; attention, quality time, gifts, may I call it acts of service. Contrary to him when my dad remarried, I grew up in a household full of fights, the reason was always US he never choose anyone over us and it costed him a lot.  It was evident that we were rejected and a burden whenever he was not around. 

As a survival mechanism, I created a shell around myself, I never let anyone in and if I did unconsciously, I expected a return on the same. Maybe I just lacked some tough love and my expression was attention which gave room for the last two narcissist that crossed my path. I am not a quitter and before I walk away, I do my best to see it to some light at the end of the tunnel. God knows I tried, sometimes too much. But with Narcissist its never enough. Maybe myself I am one too or quite the opposite; humans tend to attract what they are or/and fear. Someone once said the most stubborn people are soft hearted, full of love, very passionate and emotional; explain why I cry when things don’t work out In the office bathroom, late at night, right at my desk and on a ride back home. Probably the societal pressure of settling down and the lonely human nature are responsible for my hullaballoo emotions. Lets say the frogs I kissed might be my path to authentic love and affection. 

Till then Adios!!!